So where have I been, huh?

So, I haven’t talked about them much here on the blog (the same can’t be said on my Twitter account) but I stan WINNER. And the whole while, I thought that I’ll finally be able to talk about them here on the blog and promote them and find fellow ICs with this latest comeback. Instead, I went full-on fangirl ever since they dropped their album and I completely forgot about my blog. And by completely, I mean, as you can see, my last post was a month ago. The comeback hype, the actual comeback, and now, keeping up with everything WINNER has taken over my life. Completely. I didn’t watch dramas (until recently that is) and while I’ve watched variety shows, I haven’t been in the mood to write about them. My mind has been preoccupied with WINNER and WINNER only and all of my energy was spent on them. (And at work, of course.)

If you wanna know if I’ll be blogging anytime soon, well, I wish I could answer that but I honestly don’t know. I will be posting the things I did watch for the past month on Monday although that weekly round-up would account for a month. I cry at my inability to juggle things in a balanced manner.

I just wanted to finally post something so maybe this could get the ball rolling. I have lots of drafts that I need to finish and publish!

Anyway, if you do want to talk about WINNER with me though (or Pretty Noona Who Buys Me Food), feel free to tweet me!

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It’s kinda ironic…

…how I go home early now that I have a car. I always thought that since I now have my own car, I could go home whenever I want to. I don’t need to think of until what time jeeps are available or if I have to change routes if there are no more jeeps at a certain time. I don’t have to be afraid every time I hail a cab to go home if I’m too drunk. Having a car means I can now go home whenever I want.

But it’s the complete opposite. Since I park inside our gated apartment, I have to be early so I could park without anyone blocking the gate. It’s such a hassle when I go home late and someone has parked in front of the gate because I have to match the car to its owner and go a flight of stairs and ask the car’s owner to move his/her car so I can park inside. I always feel like a douche whenever I hassle people over parking my car.

So I go home early. So even if I have to ask someone to move their car, it’s still early and they’re most likely awake still. Not only that, but having a car meant I also go to work earlier. Going in at 10AM doesn’t cut it anymore because I don’t have any parking space left by that time. I have to go in early.

This post has no point but to share my observation, which I find ironic. “Having a car means freedom!” Nope. Not for me. Although it is very convenient to not have to wait in line for jeeps especially when it’s raining. Or book an Uber worth two liters of gasoline, which could serve me for days if I drove my own car. I also don’t arrive to work sweaty and I can listen to the songs I want on full blast. I never thought I’d like driving (oh goodness, the anxiety and stress of learning) but I actually do. Unless it’s parking my car, which still stresses me the fuck out. But whenever I’m driving, it’s just so peaceful. I have time alone for myself, which I know I supposedly get loads of but I’m living with my sister so I don’t really have time ~alone~.

I like driving. I hope it likes me someday too. Especially parking. Haha!

 

Help me plan my ‘Stranger Things’ viewing party!

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Probably the only reason I haven’t cancelled my Netflix subscription yet is because of Stranger Things. (Let’s be real though, I will never be able to quit Netflix even if I’m jobless like now because TV is LIFE.) I loved the first season and in fact, I watched it a total of THREE TIMES in a span of two weeks?? Something like that. It was just so compulsively watchable that I remember sleeping at 7AM just to finish it all. (Pro-tip: Do not start watching a series at midnight.) Admittedly, what initially hooked me was these kids playing Dungeons and Dragons because I play D&D myself. But each episode was more gripping than the previous and I was unstoppable as I queued an episode right after the other. IT IS JUST THAT GOOD. What made Stranger Things even more fun for me was watching it again with my friends, most of which also play D&D with me, and discussing it and loving it altogether.

So this October, I am planning on hosting a Stranger Things viewing party!!!!111 YAY!!!! *confetti* And now, you gotta help me with it! Continue reading →

Your love was handmade for somebody like me

This post has been sitting in my drafts for so long I almost ended up not writing it because it’s not relevant to my headspace anymore. But when I was about to delete the draft, I felt sad (and mostly like I’d disappoint Jay because I told her I’ll write it) and now here we are, spouting possible word vomit. You’ve been warned. (Jay, you’ve been warned. Nothing fruitful in here.) Continue reading →

So I did a thing…

This blog was supposed to be a new start and a personal blog at that, compared to my book blog Oops! I Read A Book Again and the blog I started back in high school (almost a decade ago) whoopeeyoo. But I suddenly had the urge to merge this one and whoopeeyoo. SO I DID JUST THAT. Hahaha!

So you’re gonna see posts from way back in 2008 in here and please forgive immature Dianne and clueless Dianne for whatever you’re gonna read prior to 2015. I was obsessed with Asian pop culture back then so there’s going to be lots of those in the past.

I’m slowly returning to ~my roots~ and I’ve started watching and caring about kdramas again (I was once a fansubber, that’s how obsessed I was) and I’m planning to post more recaps and reviews of things I watch so I decided to just merge the two.

I’m also wishing to post more personal stuff, such as my Beatles series (more on that soon!), and other life stories. This blog was supposed to be an outlet because I couldn’t tell my friends whatever I was feeling but now that I have friends to tell them about, I ended up not using this as an outlet. But I feel like I should still tell my stories in here, right?

We’ll see! For now, feel free to laugh at teenage Dianne. And and please don’t get mad if there are dead links because obviously, it’s been years. If there are dead links like whoopeeyoo.com/somethingsomething, please just change the whoopeeyoo.com to dayan.xyz and you should be fine.

I’m planning to put my old blog on private so I don’t have redundancies??? And so people who end up on my old blog searching stuff would now be redirected here! And that means more views so I’d feel more encouraged to post because when no one reads it, I just feel meh about posting because why do I even bother, right? HAHAHA kidding, sometimes I love anonymity.

So, enjoy? *sweats through my shirt*

 

Sometimes you win in life and it is a glorious feeling: First High School Edition

In high school, I had a crush on this guy one year my senior. We also went to the same university, although he was taking a different course, and still, I had a crush on him. He was in a relationship all throughout I was in college with this awesome girl (we met and talked once for an event and she was kind or maybe it was nearing the election so she was nice) so I was rooting for them too. My crush was nothing serious, it was pretty low-key actually. He was tall, dark, handsome, and lean. He was smart, socially aware, and an activist. We’ve never interacted, in high school nor in college.

After graduation, my crush on him finally ended. I don’t know why but maybe it was because I became friends with one of his best friends. My friend, of course, had stories with him in it and I guess I ended up kind of getting to know him. He wasn’t bad, I wasn’t turned off or anything, but maybe his allure to me was the mystery. That I didn’t actually know him.

Then I ended up drinking with him one time and there I truly realized that there was nothing anymore. My best friend and I didn’t even fangirl anymore, when that was one of our past times back then. When he joined my dragon boat team, I ended up training with him maybe thrice (he wasn’t active at all) and drinking with him a few times. A certain circle of mine, mostly dragon boat teammates, frequented this place so it was there that we kind of talked before, but nothing deep or serious. I wasn’t interested in him anymore so I didn’t expend energy on talking to him or sought him out. Ha, funny how that can actually happen, knowing myself and how hard for me to move on and shit. That night he was mocking how I was only four beers in and I told him it’s not fair to hold me against his eight bottles when he started hours ahead of me. It was then that he told me that the longest time he wooed a girl was one and a half months and that he found it too long and tedious and so he stopped. He’s not an asshole, in fact he’s nice, but like I said, he has so much appeal that I was not surprised that he didn’t really need to woo/court girls. He was the kind of guy girls throw themselves at. I would have done that if I still wanted him and if I was courageous enough for that but alas, I’m shy and scared and clueless (in practice but not in theory because romance novels taught me well?).

So last week, I ended up drinking at this place with friends (who were forty-plus years old and acted as my dads and/or life coaches) and he was there. I was with my old friends and we were playing music, mostly 80s with a bit of 70s and 90s, where I was the one who chose the music. But it wasn’t my phone nor my speakers. There was even a moment when this guy (a stranger) approached my friend to borrow a lighter and ended up talking to me and telling me that my playlist was great. Because I suck at receiving compliments, I just told him that it was not my playlist but I was just the one choosing the songs. But this is not the point of the story but I wanted to share the story of the compliment because it made my day.

Anyway, M (let’s just call him that from now on) was with his frat brothers (I think) in the vicinity AKA the next table since he’s in the same frat as one of my friends. He nods his approval at me when he likes the song I’m playing and bemoans when I change songs he likes (never my fault, I also love those songs but they’re not in theme with the previous happy, upbeat songs). Another friend dropped by and proceeded to give me a box of red velvet crinkles as a late birthday gift and then his eyes have gotten large because he wants some so I offered and he kept on eating and even asked if he can give some to his brothers. Sure, I said.

All throughout the night, he went to different tables to different people. He’s a regular there and he knows the regulars too. I go there enough for the ladies at the counter serving to know my name (which I learned that night as well and I was so shocked because I prided myself in not being there all the time for them to know me but now I can’t say that because I have been profiled) and for them to tease me to give them some red velvet crinkles. I placate myself by thinking that at least I now have a place where I can have a tab. Hahahuhu.

Back to the story. It was getting late and the place has closed but we were still drinking and one of my friends even bought more beers outside for us. We talked a bit like how he was seventeen beers in (fuck that guy, how can he even be awake) but we were mostly singing and requesting songs. I was getting sleepy and I just sat there with my head at the top of the backrest of the chair, looking at the sky. I don’t know why I didn’t just go home (I do know, it’s because I have serious FOMO and hate going first or not finishing a party) but that was me. He was by my left side and at this point it was so hot that I have long since removed my jacket and was just wearing a spaghetti strap top. I tried to cover up by draping my jacket on me but he has already seen me remove it beforehand and teased me about it (or maybe tease is not the correct term but I find it hard to accept compliments so I always categorize them as teasing).

He asked me where I’m going home and I told him I’m staying near SM North (the closest landmark to my apartment). I was so sleepy I wasn’t even looking at him while we’re talking, I was either staring into the nightsky or had my eyes closed. Then he told me: Just go home to our place. (Sa’min ka na lang umuwi.)

I WAS SO SHOCKED I had to look at him after he said it. I mean, sure, maybe he was just being nice and concerned that I can’t go home at my state and that I might fall asleep in the taxi ride home. My friend pointed out that he could have just gotten me home himself if he was concerned but I don’t think he can even manage that. Seventeen beers! And I don’t make it a habit to make people get me home. I am an independent woman, goddamit, I can go home. Anyway, at the time, I told him that isn’t his house not that near too and my apartment isn’t that far so it’s fine. But my mind was reeling. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I mean, of course I wasn’t actually going to go home with him but WHAT IF I DID? WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED? He didn’t say anything more and we just continued singing then it was time to go home (my friend’s speaker died). My “dads” got me a cab and I got home.

The next day at work, I relayed the story to my BFF. She was so shocked as well and even slow-clapped for me. I mean, with no intention or effort on my part, that happened. Girls cried over him and not being able to go home with him and here I was, someone who said no. HAHAHA She even surmised that I wasn’t being asked to come home with him to his frat house but to his actual apartment/home/we’re not sure. The night before, I thought he was asking me to go to his frat house. I guess it’s an even bigger deal in the light of the day. I only told my BFF, and Charlie, and another guy friend about this. And while I kept on telling them that maybe it meant nothing, we thought it was weird that he’d offer his house when we’re not close. So the offer being an innocent one was less likely.

I guess I haven’t learned enough from romance novels. Is that how innocent-sounding come-ons are these days? Am I naive for giving him the benefit of the doubt? Or maybe it was my low self-esteem that couldn’t process how M could have maybe done that?!?!

Still, it felt like a victory, especially to high school Dianne. The me then never even thought he’ll learn my name or know me AND NOW LOOK AT THAT. And the Dianne of the present also wins because I never thought that I would ever be in a position to say no to him. HAHAHA Life lets you win and it feels glorious.

Sometimes you get so profoundly irrationally sad that you just cry yourself to sleep

I’m an emotional bean. I voice out my complaints, I curse a lot, I squeal when I’m happy, I cry easily, I jump for joy, I am quick to irritation, I get jealous easily, and it only takes a little to rise these emotions out of me. I’m a sensitive bean. Of my own feelings and especially of other people’s feelings. I am attuned so much to other people’s feelings, it sometimes feels like a curse. Perception is both a strength and a weakness of mine. I just care too much about anything and everything and worry too much about anything and everything. I just give a lot of fuck and honestly, it is tiring.

So I try my best to not have these feelings. These emotions. I ward off any potential feelings because when I feel, I cannot stop thinking about it. I wear out the thread of that feeling, of that thought, so much. I end up distracted because I cannot not think about it. Not only does an emotion take over my heart (heh, how romantic and unscientific of me, tsk tsk) but it also takes over my mind. I overthink. I overanalyze. And I hate it. I hate how much I overthink, how much I worry. How much I replay scenes in my head and go hard on myself. This is why my deepest emotions I try to lock tight inside and try not to think about. I make myself busy so I wouldn’t have to think. Which obviously isn’t healthy because I end up repressing them and then I just explode. Not to mention I sometimes end up physically sick from working too hard, not sleeping enough, or being out too much with friends. But explosion I’m fine with. What I dread, more than anything, is when I end up being numb.

It is funny how I spend all of my time trying to not have feelings and then when I go numb I panic. I mean, isn’t that what I wanted in the first place? To not feel? But then it hits me that this must not be. This is not normal. I didn’t know back then that that was depression. Not caring, not feeling. But with a name to it, it grew power. It began to scare me. I didn’t like to be depressed. I mean, who does, right? You can’t get out of bed, you don’t care about anything — be it your job, your health, your friends, your family, your commitments. You just drop out of the loop and lie in bed.

I once took my bouts of depression as being lazy. I didn’t want to do anything. I am actually a lazy person so I didn’t know the difference for a long time. I mistook that irrational sadness for hormones acting up, for my period messing up with everything. I thought me crying without a reason was a normal occurrence for all people. I thought me crying myself to sleep because that’s better than lying awake in my bed until the wee hours of the morning with my negative thoughts running amok was a thing everyone does. I thought, I thought, I thought.

Fuck this. I’m tired.

Ha, as if me being tired of this cycle will magically make it disappear.

Now, going back to crying myself to sleep.

I felt ugly today so I wore a dress

…should have been my blog URL, dammit. HAHAHA

I mean, this governs my life. It doesn’t mean that I only wear dresses when I feel ugly but when I do feel ugly, you bet I’m wearing a dress. Like the second day of my period last week where I also incidentally had a zit. I felt so ugly I didn’t want to go to work. Of course it was the hormones talking but if I can’t feel it inside, I gotta harness the confidence from outside, right?

So I wore a dress.

I had a photo of my dress that day because my friend asked for one after I ranted about how ugly I felt and how I wore a dress to combat it.

Reunited (with Wordpress app) and it feels so good

So I think I finally figured out why I’ve been MIA here. Even before I lost my phone, I uninstalled the WordPress app, thinking it was a source of unproductivity because I was always at it. But then even though I uninstalled it, productivity was still low and I just ended up not blogging. Sometimes I get ideas for blog topics and it vanishes into the ether because I wasn’t able to write it away or even note it down. And I had a lot to say in the months I was away but always no energy or drive to open my laptop and type.

But with my new phone, I hope I end up blogging more. I just installed the app and I’m typing this post with the app. We’ll see how many posts I actually end up writing from here.

Hoping I’ll see myself around a lot on this space! Haha!

P.S. A LITTLE LIFE as the photo because I bought it last night because I was sad and what better way to be sad than reading a sad book, right? Also, I just found an edition within my price range. Hahaha! I’ve wanted to read this book for so long!

I miss blogging in here

I’ve been through too much in the days that I haven’t been blogging here and all thanks to friends, I haven’t exploded yet. But I could have. So I remembered why I made this blog in the first place and that was to rant here and share my stories and thoughts. And I haven’t been doing that.

Today, I realized that I had internalized misogyny. It reminded me that you really learn something new every day. It made me realize that I really have to look deep inside of me and assess myself about all the misogyny or racism I do unawares. I want to be as free of prejudice and judgment as I can be.

So maybe we should chronicle that. And you know, share about my life more. I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve gotten really good at sharing them first to friends and talking my issues out. And I’ve gotten better at escaping said issues too.

SO MUCH TO DO HEH