Do your stuff

When asked why I’ve never had a boyfriend yet (and for the record, I hate being asked but I patronize them by actually replying seriously), I always say that I don’t think I need one as of the moment and so I don’t have one. And that when the time comes that I realize that I want one, then I’ll get a boyfriend. (Ha! As if it’s something I can get over the counter.) I’ve also recently realized that I’m TOO LAZY to date. So that’s another reason/excuse I tell people. I feel like, oh yeah, sure, a boyfriend sounds nice but hmm, it looks like so much work.

However, as of late, I’ve been searching for a constant – someone to talk to, to eat with, to watch movies with, and the like. Before, I’ve never had the need or want to have a single person to do all those with because I love doing all of that with different friends. I have friends I can drink with, to go to videoke with, to read and talk books with, to watch and talk movies and TV shows with, to go out with, yadda yadda. But in recent times, I get home to my apartment and all I want is to unload and share what happened during my day to someone that is not my sister or is not my best friend or a close friend. I’ve been wanting someone to go home to, not even in the physical sense of going home to that person, but just that FEELING of being home with that person. Of being chill and at peace. And I don’t even yearn for romantic emotions to be in the mix or even sexual attraction. I just need someone to talk to, who wants to hear my stories and who wants to share my company, either my real company or you know, through a screen. I need someone who thinks I’m worth his time talking to.

So that planted an idea in my mind that OKAY, maybe it’s time to have a boyfriend! But here’s yet another realization: I don’t think I can do it.

Last week, I met an old friend again and by old I mean he’s 40 or even 50+ years old, after two years. And quite fatherly or uncle-ly, he asked me if I have a ~special someone~ and I told him that nah, there’s no one. And while other people would ask me the annoying question of WHY, he didn’t even ask me. He just straight up told me that the problem with me is that I’m waiting for someone to come knocking and sweep me off my feet but that I gotta “DO YOUR STUFF” (hence the title). Where we just ended up laughing because seriously? Do your stuff? But the thing is, of course, he’s right. As much as I claim that I am now a cynic, deep down, I’m still a hopeless romantic. I don’t think guys should be the one to woo girls and all that but it’s just not in my character to be actively flirting with guys. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT OR HOW TO DATE, OKAY. It’s not in my system or I think it’s not in my system.

But how do I switch on whatever switch that is? My BFF and I have long posited that it’s not about how pretty you are but how approachable you are. But that’s it! I’m SOOOOOO approachable but I never give out any ~I’m interested in you~ vibes and so, everyone ends up a friend. HAHAHA

And that’s not even the most sobering (and saddening?) realization of all. Because I realized that I can do ~I’m interested in you~ vibes but I’m actually afraid of things getting real. I mean, if it’s one-sided, there’s nothing to fear. I can be interested in a guy and I can mentally date him HAHAHA. But if it’s real, then there’s something to fear. I feel like I can’t deal with ~real~ feelings and ~real~ expectations and gah, I’m getting hives just typing this.

SO WHAT’S MY POINT? I guess it’s that, it’s not that I’m lazy to date or whatever. It’s that, deep down, I am scared of feelings and emotions and expectations and ALL THE REAL THINGS. Yikes. And duh, I’m scared of getting hurt.

Please placate me and tell me this is normal (TO BE AFRAID) and that I won’t end up alone in this life. (Ha, I’ve already accepted that I might be alone in life because ever since, all I’ve really wanted is a kid. Heh, more like kids, if we’re being honest. I’ve never imagined having a husband (of course I’ve imagined but that was when I was young and immature) ever since I entered college. I’ve never dreamed of having a husband since I was a freshman in college. All I really want is a baby. AND MAYBE THAT’S A TELLING SIGN THAT HELLO I’M NEVER GONNA BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?!?!?!?1)

But the more pressing concern is: HOW DO I EVEN GET A BOYFRIEND? How do I make myself available and out there without leaving my home because I’m an introvert and socializing with strangers drains me?!?!?1 HAHAHA I guess the answer is I’m gonna be alooooooone kruu kruu

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