I need to stop

I need to stop initiating the conversation all the time. I need to stop messaging even if I don’t get a reply. I need to stop waiting for messages. I need to stop getting happy whenever there is a message. I need to stop dropping everything just to talk or watch that TV show being recommended to me. I need to stop listening so much. I need to stop all of these because I feel so pathetic. I need to stop feeling pathetic.

But what if I feel pathetic yet happy at the same time? Why do I feel happy?

This has happened before and I’ve stopped it. Why is it so hard to do again? I’ve already done it before so why?

I just need someone who’d listen to everything I have to say. Out of their own volition. Because they care about what I have to say. Because they’re interested. Because I’m interesting to them. Why is that so hard to find?

I’m starting to get tired though. Maybe this is the start. I just have to keep strong and power through. I’d miss the company but I’d rather lose it than lose my mind over such trivial things that I just irritatingly care about.

Craving to be wanted for my company is such a pain. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t yearn so much for human connection. I look stupid. I think I’m stupid. Why must I let myself be like this?

This gotta stop.

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I need to stop

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