The Tricky Thing about BFFs


Do you have a best friend?

Well, I do. But I don’t know if I’m her best friend as well. I could never ask her that. My self-esteem is that low. I’d rather not know. I mean, of course I have an idea. I think I’m not her only best friend. If she actually thinks of me as a best friend. I’d like to think yes to that but I’m in no grand delusion that I’m the only one. *~I know I’m not the only one~* But I could never ask her for a definitive answer. I mean, what are we, in grade school? Do we need to have best friend necklaces as proof?

We’ve been friends for more than nine years, since sophomore year of high school where we were roomies. You could say I went to boarding school since we had dorms inside the campus grounds. My best friend and I immediately clicked and she was the one who pushed me to audition and join our high school’s theatre group, which was one of the highlights of that time period for me. I didn’t think of her as my best friend back then. Every year, I had a different ~best friend~ AKA the classmate I spend all day with.

In our school, students were grouped into sections randomly every school year. We never became classmates but being a dormer and a theater kid, we were together A LOT. We sleep on each other’s beds, we stay up until the wee hours of the morning just talking, we did and decided about things together. But aside from being a dormer and a theater kid, we had our own circles too. Given, most of our circles converge, but I have my astronomy society friends, and she has her Christian group (which I also joined later).

Summer before senior year, we had a 21-day biology summer camp. Which is still one of the best things about high school for me. Twenty teens and a few super cool teachers in the wild. We did birdwatching, trekked Mt. Pinatubo and froze our asses off, swam and swam and swam in oceans to snorkel and see clams, fishes, and all sorts of marine life. We also spent five days in a forest and BFF and I even dumped together, around the same tree. We got so tight, as we did with everyone in camp.

Senior year was the same. We had different interests (’twas the time of my Korean and Japanese addiction) but it was always us. Still, I don’t think I ever thought of her as my best friend.

Fast-forward to college. We kind of drifted apart and moved in different circles, even though we were in the same course. There was a point I was so immature and got angry at her for not spending time with me. Haha! I don’t share well. I still didn’t realize that she was my best friend.

During our junior year, she ran for the student council and I didn’t do much to help her. Here she got lots of new friends.

I’d like to think I repaid my due debt to her by helping her out during senior year when she was the head of the election committee of her political party. I turned into a housekeeper and I did all sorts of errands. I was losing sleep and failing school but I was happy with what I’m doing so I didn’t really mind.

We got so close again, maybe our tightest ever. We were also renting the same room, along with our other high school dormer friends. We were now almost always together. She dragged me to places and I met people I otherwise would have never met because I’m an introvert, even if it doesn’t look like it.

We sat together during graduation and her dress got ripped so I spent the whole ceremony covering her ass every time we were supposed to stand. Still one of our funniest moments together.

After graduation, here we are, working the same job. Teammates. We even lived together. It’s like high school/college again. Only now did I realize that my best friend is my best friend. And she is also the best out of all my friends. She pushes me to try out new things and move out of my comfort zone. I seriously think she has shaped me so much without her even knowing. I’m like her shadow. We still don’t have the same interests (aside from One Direction and the few shows we both watch) but I feel like that’s even better. Interests fade but since our friendship was never grounded in an interest, we’re stronger.

Now I worry about proximity. What will happen when we go abroad and get our PhD degrees? I don’t know how I’d deal if we’d just drift apart somewhere down the line. So much of our histories and memories are entwined, it’d break me.

But I guess my real fear is what if I’m just one of her best friends because I’m the one near? And here? I’ve seen her drift away from a lot of her friends so WHAT IF? Sure, even if our interests are different, most of our life views are the same. I want to think we’re best friends not just because of geography and timing. Not because of fate or circumstance. But because we chose each other. Because we get each other.

I guess, we’ll just see. It’s quite cruel though that I only realized how much I love my best friend and that I only saw her as such after so many years of being friends. And now I’m being overdramatic when technology makes communication not a problem.

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