There has been much drama in my life since my last post. I originally intended to use this blog as an outlet (emotional or otherwise AKA fangirling) for everything I bottle up inside but it’s hard to break habits. I bottle up my emotions inside and you’ll just know about it when I break. Which I know is unhealthy but hey, I’ve been surviving.
Until it became too much. A week before my birthday, the week of my birthday, and a week after my birthday were trying times for me. I was depressed, which I initially denied because I thought I might have been using the word incorrectly or something. But fuck it if I’m not truly depressed because I felt depressed. I didn’t wanna go to work and get out of bed. I just didn’t have any energy to deal with anything. Coupled with a lot of emotional drama I had, I just broke down and cried my heart out during a seminar I was attending. (I was at the back but still, yikes.) Thank God for my friend who’s an introvert as well and who completely understands me and accepts me for who I am (my dramas were centered on self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feeling unwanted [fyi: not in any romantic sense, just that feeling of not being wanted even by my own friends and my own self]), I was able to let it all out AKA I was crying in McDonald’s until 3AM while gouging myself with fries and burgerS.
I felt a bit lighter after that but I knew I had to detach myself from all the triggers so my three-week work getaway to Japan was quite perfect in timing. And it was indeed perfect. I got away from reality and had a super fun three weeks. I didn’t talk to the ~friends~ who made me feel unwanted and it has been great. I am a very clingy person to people I really really like AKA I enjoy their company so much but they’re not a part of my elite circle of close/real friends and I needed to detach from these people because they were fucking depressing me. Mission accomplished!
I do feel very sorry for all the book blogging duties I wasn’t able to attend to due to said depression and my three weeks of being away. I seriously thought I wouldn’t be busy in Japan and that I’d have time to read and blog but NADA. Nothing was accomplished there in terms of blogging and honestly? I’ve never felt any lighter. I didn’t miss book blogging AT ALL. I had nothing to think about. No deadlines, no whatever. It was glorious. Now, it has led me to think about the future of my book blog AKA is there any future to it. #introspectivedecember
Now, I am in a new predicament where I just fucking miss Japan so much. I didn’t go to work today because aside from arriving in the Philippines at 12MN (1AM Japan time!), I just couldn’t face reality right away. I’d be sitting at my office chair, facing the mountain of paperwork that accumulated in three weeks, facing my computer and preparing all these reports, staying in the laboratory for my experiments, and blegh. I thought my three weeks away would remove the burnout feeling I had prior to going to Japan (partly due to my depression too) but it seems like it just aggravated it because my heart is still in “vacation” mode.
I’m just holding out hope that this feeling would go away soon and that I’d get that motivation. Maybe the upcoming Christmas vacation would be my motivation?
WHY DO I JUST WANT AN ETERNAL VACATION AT THIS POINT