I don’t wanna give a fuck

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Eh, I’m tired of being used as a bridge to my best friend. Of people befriending me to get to my best friend. So let 2016 be the year I focus on my actual friends and not gaining these so-called friends.

Let 2016 be the year where I just don’t give a fuck. Please. Pretty please. I thought it was 2015 but obviously it wasn’t. Let it be this coming year.

I’m tired of pretending to be the nicest person ever. Of entertaining people, wishing and hoping they want MY company, and belatedly realizing I’m just a step toward a goal.

Let 2016 be the year where I just don’t care about the impertinent.

/rant

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I don’t wanna give a fuck

It’s Your Thing

So WALK THE MOON (AKA my favorite band) released their Different Colors EP this December and I’ve been planning on sharing it for the longest time but hello, memory, you fail me. Anyway, here’s my favorite track out of the two ~new~ songs they released (HA!) and it’s┬ámore rock-sounding than their other songs. Gah Nick you slaaaaaaayyyyy me.

Anyway, have a listen at IT’S YOUR THING! (It’s a cover of The Isley Brothers’ song. Their Burning Down the House cover was more rock-sounding too. I guess it’s their pattern?)

It’s Your Thing

The Tricky Thing about BFFs

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Do you have a best friend?

Well, I do. But I don’t know if I’m her best friend as well. I could never ask her that. My self-esteem is that low. I’d rather not know. I mean, of course I have an idea. I think I’m not her only best friend. If she actually thinks of me as a best friend. I’d like to think yes to that but I’m in no grand delusion that I’m the only one. *~I know I’m not the only one~* But I could never ask her for a definitive answer. I mean, what are we, in grade school? Do we need to have best friend necklaces as proof?

We’ve been friends for more than nine years, since sophomore year of high school where we were roomies. You could say I went to boarding school since we had dorms inside the campus grounds. My best friend and I immediately clicked and she was the one who pushed me to audition and join our high school’s theatre group, which was one of the highlights of that time period for me. I didn’t think of her as my best friend back then. Every year, I had a different ~best friend~ AKA the classmate I spend all day with.

In our school, students were grouped into sections randomly every school year. We never became classmates but being a dormer and a theater kid, we were together A LOT. We sleep on each other’s beds, we stay up until the wee hours of the morning just talking, we did and decided about things together. But aside from being a dormer and a theater kid, we had our own circles too. Given, most of our circles converge, but I have my astronomy society friends, and she has her Christian group (which I also joined later).

Summer before senior year, we had a 21-day biology summer camp. Which is still one of the best things about high school for me. Twenty teens and a few super cool teachers in the wild. We did birdwatching, trekked Mt. Pinatubo and froze our asses off, swam and swam and swam in oceans to snorkel and see clams, fishes, and all sorts of marine life. We also spent five days in a forest and BFF and I even dumped together, around the same tree. We got so tight, as we did with everyone in camp.

Senior year was the same. We had different interests (’twas the time of my Korean and Japanese addiction) but it was always us. Still, I don’t think I ever thought of her as my best friend.

Fast-forward to college. We kind of drifted apart and moved in different circles, even though we were in the same course. There was a point I was so immature and got angry at her for not spending time with me. Haha! I don’t share well. I still didn’t realize that she was my best friend.

During our junior year, she ran for the student council and I didn’t do much to help her. Here she got lots of new friends.

I’d like to think I repaid my due debt to her by helping her out during senior year when she was the head of the election committee of her political party. I turned into a housekeeper and I did all sorts of errands. I was losing sleep and failing school but I was happy with what I’m doing so I didn’t really mind.

We got so close again, maybe our tightest ever. We were also renting the same room, along with our other high school dormer friends. We were now almost always together. She dragged me to places and I met people I otherwise would have never met because I’m an introvert, even if it doesn’t look like it.

We sat together during graduation and her dress got ripped so I spent the whole ceremony covering her ass every time we were supposed to stand. Still one of our funniest moments together.

After graduation, here we are, working the same job. Teammates. We even lived together. It’s like high school/college again. Only now did I realize that my best friend is my best friend. And she is also the best out of all my friends. She pushes me to try out new things and move out of my comfort zone. I seriously think she has shaped me so much without her even knowing. I’m like her shadow. We still don’t have the same interests (aside from One Direction and the few shows we both watch) but I feel like that’s even better. Interests fade but since our friendship was never grounded in an interest, we’re stronger.

Now I worry about proximity. What will happen when we go abroad and get our PhD degrees? I don’t know how I’d deal if we’d just drift apart somewhere down the line. So much of our histories and memories are entwined, it’d break me.

But I guess my real fear is what if I’m just one of her best friends because I’m the one near? And here? I’ve seen her drift away from a lot of her friends so WHAT IF? Sure, even if our interests are different, most of our life views are the same. I want to think we’re best friends not just because of geography and timing. Not because of fate or circumstance. But because we chose each other. Because we get each other.

I guess, we’ll just see. It’s quite cruel though that I only realized how much I love my best friend and that I only saw her as such after so many years of being friends. And now I’m being overdramatic when technology makes communication not a problem.

The Tricky Thing about BFFs

You’re allowed to be what you could | Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy

So with Wolf Alice’s Grammy nomination, I got into listening to them again and DUH, I listened to one of my favorite tracks from them. And then I realized that the lyrics fucking suits what I feel these days, especially coming from that rough patch. So here, go listen to BLUSH by Wolf Alice! (And not only do I love this song so much, I fucking love the video as well. DESTROY GENDER NORMS AND STEREOTYPES!)

Curse the things that made me sad for so long
Yeah it hurts to think that they can still go on
I’m happy now
Are you happy now?

Spoke out the things that you’ve worked out to be wrong
You got two hands to take all you can, but don’t take too long
To be happy somehow
Are you happy now?

Figured out I’m good
Turn me down like I knew I should
Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy

Don’t chicken out, it’s all good
You’re allowed to be what you could

Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy
Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy
Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy

Figured out I’m good
Turn me down like I knew I should
Happy now
Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy

Don’t chicken out, it’s all good
You’re allowed to be what you could
I feel good
I feel good
I feel good
I feel good

Curse the things that made me sad for so long
Yeah it hurts to think that they can still go on
I’m happy now
Are you happy now?

You’re allowed to be what you could | Punch drunk, dumb struck, pot luck happy happy

On being selectively social

I admit to being selectively social. Many of my ~friends~ wouldn’t believe me because they know me as THAT person who’s so talkative, noisy, fun, and game to whatever.

But see, that is a side of myself I switch on. When I go to bookish events, I turn that switch on. I become the jolly person I’m expected/known to be and I do feel happy with bookish people because they’re my people! But when I get home, I would need a break and be antisocial for a while.

When I’m with friends I made during high school, they’re never able to believe how the Dianne they know isn’t the Dianne of now. I drink (A LOT), I cuss (A LOT), and I am not the 24/7 effervescent person they know. They’re shocked to see me being a bitch or being mean or being dirty-minded. Sure, I’m still funny and fun to be with, but I’ve changed. And it’s kinda sad how I’m boxed into these expectations they have but I guess that’s normal. I changed a lot since high school and they just have to deal with it!

Getting back on topic…

More often than not, I love being alone, with my own company. I am that person who’d invent excuses just to get out of events I wanted to go to at some point in time but ultimately didn’t feel like going to. (I know! I’m bad!) My best friend have to drag me to social calls because I always flake on her. It’s just so tiring to have to be THAT person people know of because I’m not always like that. I guess it just goes to show that my ~true friends~ are the ones who know that I’m not THAT person. Nothing bad about being that kind of person but it’s just not me. Well, the real me.

I mean, I’d like to think I’m fun and funny and witty when I’m with my friends but my friends also know I’m grumpy, irritated easily, kinda mean, very judgmental in private, anxious, an overthinker, actually shy, and an introvert. And me deciding to spend my time with a person is a big deal because it means I actually prefer being in that person’s company than being alone.

When I hound you (either by texting or chatting or tweeting), it means I actually enjoy talking to you because I’d rather read a book, watch a movie/TV show, or browse the Internet than talk to people I don’t really enjoy talking to.

I guess I just wish people know all these meanings to even the littlest interactions I have with them so they can appreciate it.

So yes, I am social, but only to a select number of people. I kinda relate to these posts on being selectively social, although I think I might have been off-tangent at some parts of this post. WHATEVER, ‘TIS MY BLOG.

On being selectively social

Well, I’m back.

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There has been much drama in my life since my last post. I originally intended to use this blog as an outlet (emotional or otherwise AKA fangirling) for everything I bottle up inside but it’s hard to break habits. I bottle up my emotions inside and you’ll just know about it when I break. Which I know is unhealthy but hey, I’ve been surviving.

Until it became too much. A week before my birthday, the week of my birthday, and a week after my birthday were trying times for me. I was depressed, which I initially denied because I thought I might have been using the word incorrectly or something. But fuck it if I’m not truly depressed because I felt depressed. I didn’t wanna go to work and get out of bed. I just didn’t have any energy to deal with anything. Coupled with a lot of emotional drama I had, I just broke down and cried my heart out during a seminar I was attending. (I was at the back but still, yikes.) Thank God for my friend who’s an introvert as well and who completely understands me and accepts me for who I am (my dramas were centered on self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feeling unwanted [fyi: not in any romantic sense, just that feeling of not being wanted even by my own friends and my own self]), I was able to let it all out AKA I was crying in McDonald’s until 3AM while gouging myself with fries and burgerS.

I felt a bit lighter after that but I knew I had to detach myself from all the triggers so my three-week work getaway to Japan was quite perfect in timing. And it was indeed perfect. I got away from reality and had a super fun three weeks. I didn’t talk to the ~friends~ who made me feel unwanted and it has been great. I am a very clingy person to people I really really like AKA I enjoy their company so much but they’re not a part of my elite circle of close/real friends and I needed to detach from these people because they were fucking depressing me. Mission accomplished!

I do feel very sorry for all the book blogging duties I wasn’t able to attend to due to said depression and my three weeks of being away. I seriously thought I wouldn’t be busy in Japan and that I’d have time to read and blog but NADA. Nothing was accomplished there in terms of blogging and honestly? I’ve never felt any lighter. I didn’t miss book blogging AT ALL. I had nothing to think about. No deadlines, no whatever. It was glorious. Now, it has led me to think about the future of my book blog AKA is there any future to it. #introspectivedecember

Now, I am in a new predicament where I just fucking miss Japan so much. I didn’t go to work today because aside from arriving in the Philippines at 12MN (1AM Japan time!), I just couldn’t face reality right away. I’d be sitting at my office chair, facing the mountain of paperwork that accumulated in three weeks, facing my computer and preparing all these reports, staying in the laboratory for my experiments, and blegh. I thought my three weeks away would remove the burnout feeling I had prior to going to Japan (partly due to my depression too) but it seems like it just aggravated it because my heart is still in “vacation” mode.

I’m just holding out hope that this feeling would go away soon and that I’d get that motivation. Maybe the upcoming Christmas vacation would be my motivation?

WHY DO I JUST WANT AN ETERNAL VACATION AT THIS POINT

Well, I’m back.