How to Name Your Hypothetical Future Son

Credits to Inche Fitri

Ever since I’ve read The Godfather, I’ve been wanting to name my unborn son Vito. Thus started my obsession with finding the perfect name for my son. Having taken up residence in my mind for quite a long while (it’s been over two years), I have successfully formulated ten tips in naming him. Yes, I do believe I will have a son. But that is not the point. I am now here to share these tips for a surefire awesome boy’s name.

1. A name that is not confusing.

Example of a confusing name: Will. Just imagine how taxing it would be on a toddler’s brain when you say, “Will, will you pick this up?”. Or when he hears people say “Will you shut up?”. Oh, the hurt he’d go through! He’d think someone’s calling him when they’re just saying the word “will”. Poor, poor kid.

2. A name that won’t be bullied.

Example of a name that DEFINITELY gets bullied: Dick. Seriously, do you hate your son? If you do so and you want him to spend eternity smartassing his way over all the jokes, go, name him Dick.

3. A name apt for wherever you are in the world.

This is what I call a geographic concern. See, there’s nothing wrong with naming your son Hunter or Nolan or Donovan. They are actually pretty cool names, if you live in the right place. A great name somewhere can be weird in another.

4. A name that is not hard to spell.

An example would be Pukanokick. Or those names with a tongue click in them.

5. A name apt for his ethnicity or skin color.

I wanna name my son Vito but if he’s far from being Spanish-looking or Latino-looking, I think it’s not apt. There goes Vito. I’m sad to see you go.

6. A name that is not a pet’s name.

Max. Please, no. No offense to my friend Max and all the Max’s in the world, but I will never ever name my kid Max.

7. A name that is not that common. John. Kevin. Paolo. Josh.

John. Kevin. Paolo. What are the chances he’ll have a classmate with the same name? Big.

8. A name with a good nickname.

An example would be Raphael. Then his nickname will be Hael, which sounds sweet and close, with all the breath you’ll release every time you say it. Hael. I am honestly tempted to name my son Raphael, even if it’s far from unique, because I’d love to call him Hael. Teehee.

9. A name that will sound good with his surname.

This is especially important and you cannot prepare for this unless you know what his surname’s gonna be. For me, this is the rule which prevents me from deciding the final name of my son.

10. A name that has a good origin story to tell.

At least give him that. If you’re gonna name him something weird, make sure its story is pretty damn funny or at least entertaining. “Hey, my name is Prince Charming because my mom was obsessed with this revisioned fairytale shit show, Once Upon a Time.” See, though it breaks Rule #1. I still think people should have a good story to tell about their name.

What if my baby’s a girl? Not my problem. Well at least, not yet. I plan on having a boy first and I hope I can think of a girl’s name that will match my boy’s. Aiden and Anika. Caleb and Daphne. Am I crazy? Am I the only one who thinks of names to give their unborn children?

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